Being in Love is Easy and Thrilling!
The sex associated with that time can be glorious. Staying coupled or married is often difficult and tedious. The sex associated with it can be awkward and boring. I often hear couples, in counseling sessions, say they want their marriage to be the way it was during their courtship. One of the difficult realities of making a life together is accepting that that time will never come again. That particular magic happens once in the life of a couple. Other kinds of magic can happen if a couple continues to grow, meeting their commitments to themselves and to each other.
Whatever happened in your life prior to meeting your partner to create low self-esteem or unhappiness with yourself is never going to change by trying to force your partner to give you your ideal love. Unhappy marriages occur when people mistakenly believe that their partner must change in order to make them happy in their relationship. That is the difference between courtship and marriage. During courtship you fall in love with the idea of marriage in the abstract. In marriage you deal with the daily emotional and logistical tasks necessary to love and respect yourself while attempting to love and respect someone else.
Falling in love is necessary for the continuance of our species. It is driven by pheromones, hormones, physical and emotional desires. These are shunted through the social traditions, mores and ethics of our respective cultures and societies. Being and staying married is a series of sustained acts that teach us about who we really are and who we hope to be. It allows, due to its private nature, the privilege of watching another human being unfold over a lifetime and allows us to be seen as our life unfolds in view of our significant other. In short it allows us to be known to ourselves and another human being. It eases the inherent loneliness of being human.
If you and your partner have lost your way on this journey of unfolding and are longing to be in love again, come into counseling with me at Denver Sex Therapy. Let’s explore what kind of sex is on the other side of falling in love. Learn to make love and have pleasure on purpose, not because you are swept away or driven by hormones, but because you consciously, wantonly choose to give and receive pleasure.